Some Like it Schmot
by stuffbylouie
Summary: The fic that's too 'schmot' to handle! Speedy and Guido must go undercover, as a pair of girls, to unfoil the Big Cheese's latest scheme from the inside out.
1. Chapter One

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SOME LIKE IT SCHMOT

_Th__e fic that's too 'schmot' to handle! Speedy and Guido must go undercover, as a pair of girls, to unfoil the Big Cheese's latest scheme from the inside out._

This fic is inspired by one of my all time favourite films: 'Some Like it Hot', starring the late Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and a little-known actress named Marilyn Monroe. It also spoofs Quentin Tarantino's 'Kill Bill' – which has nothing to do with Some Like it Hot, but that's just the crazy direction this story wants to go!

Enjoy, and please review :)**

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**Narrator:** HOOCHI MAMAS!

**Speedy, Polly, Guido, Francine:** (very confused) What the … ?

**N:** Just getting the viewers attention.

**Polly:** (irritated) Oh, of all the stupid ploys … just do your job, Narrator!

**Fran:** Aren't you even going to explain the first scene?

**N:** Sure! Pizza Parlour. Big Al on the intercom. Villenous scheme afoot. You know the drill!

**Guido:** (speaking to Speedy) I'd say the Narrator's finally lost it …

**Speedy:** Yeah, maybe he got another pay cut?

(The Pizza Cats are gathered round the intercom screen, listening to Al Dente.)

**Big Al:** The Big Cheese is up to his old tricks! It appears he's run out of villenous schemes to pull for today's show so he's taking his cues from a previous episode. Let's just say 'Miss Ratina' is back for an encore!

**Polly:** Oh no, don't tell me! The Big Cheese is reopening his modelling school?

**Al:** Close, but not quite. Ten days from now somebody named Miss Selma H. Ratina is running a week long beginner's self-defence course in the suburbs – strictly girls only. By coincidence, the Big Cheese is going on vacation the same day the self-defence course begins …

**Speedy:** So you're saying the Big Cheese is taking time off to wear Miss Ratina's shoes again? Wait ... wasn't he 'Mrs' Ratina before?

**Polly:** (shrugging) Maybe he's trying to sound younger?

**Speedy:** Could be. But what use would a bunch of defenseless girls be to him in the suburbs anyway?

**Fran:** Yeah, before he was looking for skilled female ninjas! That made more sense …

**Guido:** All the same, let's not overlook the fact Big Al is asking us to protect a group of vulnerable young women. Sounds like my kind of gig! (He nudges Speedy)

**Speedy:** (grinning in response) You said it, buddy!

**Fran:** _Hmph_! Polly could protect them better then you two could. At least she wouldn't be trying to get into anybody's skirt!

(Polly giggles.)

**Al:** Actually Francine raises a valid point.

**Speedy, Guido:** Say what?

**Al:** I want Polly and Francine to go undercover and enrol in Miss Ratina's course.

**Speedy, Guido:** (unpleasantly shocked) WHAT!

**Polly:** Us? Undercover? (She turns to Francine, who's excited)

**Fran:** _Me_ included? You really want me to go too, Big Al?

**Guido:** Aw, no fair! We called it! And you can't send Francine, Al. She never leaves the launching post!

**Fran:** (insulted, hands on hips) Hey!

**Speedy:** And Polly's no good undercover. How's she ever going to pull off being 'defenseless'? She'll lose her temper and then somebody's bound to get hit in the head with a table. AGH!

**Polly:** (who's just slapped Speedy's head) I'll shove a table down your throat if you don't WATCH IT, buster!

**Speedy:** (speaking confidentially behind his hand to Big Al) See what I mean?

**Al:** Listen! The pure reason I'm sending Polly and Francine is because they're _girls_ and it's a _girls_ self-defence course. I need you two to stay behind and look after the Emporium.

(Both Polly and Francine giggle. Speedy and Guido are outraged.)

**Guido:** For the whole _week_?

**Speedy:** THIS IS SEXISM!

**N:** Ah, but how quickly the hand of fate can turn! For the next nine days the girls gloated and the men moped, making for a very tense time at the Pizza Parlour. Business went about as usual until –

**Francine:** AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

**Speedy, Guido:** Francine?

**N:** Francine made a 'boo boo' in the kitchen. Just before opening shop, while climbing a ladder to reach a high shelf, Fran fell and twisted her ankle. Being the gentlemen they occasionally are, Speedy and Guido helped her hop to a near by chair.

**Fran:** (crying anime-style) WAAAAAAAAH! This sucks! I can't believe I sprained my stupid ankle the day before my first undercover assignment! Somebody shoot the writer!

**N:** Enter Polly! She's just arrived at work, with an important message for all –

**Polly:** ACHOOOOOOOO!

**Speedy, Guido:** (cowering) Gazoontite!

**Polly:** (sniffling) Thanks …

**Speedy:** (stating the obvious) Polly, you're sick.

**Polly:** No I'm not! I'm just – _ACHOOOOOOOO_!

**Guido:** (ducking) What? Spraying your germs for kicks?

**Polly:** SHUT UP!

**N:** Once Big Al caught wind that the girls were ill – which could almost be taken literally in Polly's case – he made an urgent transmission to the Pizza Parlour.

**Al:** Looks like Speedy and Guido will be taking your place at the self-defence course.

**Polly, Francine:** (upset) WHAT!

**Speedy, Guido:** (high-fiving) YEAH!

**Polly:** But they can't, they're not girls!

**Al:** I realise that. That's why I need them to _pretend_ to be girls.

**Speedy, Guido:** (unpleasantly shocked – again) WHAT!

**Al:** What? It's not like Speedy hasn't gone drag before. Remember when he was a wanted alien? And Guido, you're always telling us what a great actor you are, and how they keep asking you back for a consecutive season of 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof'.

**Guido:** Yeah, where I play a GUY!

(Polly and Francine laugh hysterically.)

**Fran:** Oh, this is going to be a hoot!

**Polly:** I guess they'll be getting into some skirts after all! Ha ha – ACHOOOO!

**Al:** (looking apologetically to Speedy and Guido) I don't have a choice, boys! Polly and Francine are the only girls working for me and they can't go. Unless you two replace them we won't have a plot!

**Speedy:** (grumbling) Plot schmot. Can't we just improvise our way through the rest of the script?

**N:** But the writers purpose has become unquestionably clear: Speedy and Guido are to spend the rest of the episode dressed in ladies kimonos and wigs! After spending a lengthy time in wardrobe and make-up, we now join them the following morning as they test-drive their new outfits on the streets of Little Tokyo.

(Speedy and Guido each carry a suitcase, bound for the bus station. Speedy is wearing a lemon yellow kimono and blonde wig while Guido wears a lilac kimono and brunette wig.)

**Citizen One:** (peddling past them on his bike, wolf whistling) Hey good looking!

**Guido:** Pft! Can you believe the nerve of that guy?

**Speedy:** He was talking to me, what do you care?

**Guido:** Get serious! I'm _way_ hotter then you as a girl. It's this lilac kimono, it brings out my eyes!

**Speedy:** Ha! Keep dreaming. Your eyes are chopped liver compared to MY bone structure!

**N:** Can't say they're not in character.

**Guido:** All right, all right! Let's focus. If we're not careful we're gonna miss this bus and the beginning of this self-defence course, and then Big Al will skin us alive. Let's go over your stats: name?

**Speedy:** Stephanie.

**Guido:** (correcting him) _Stacey_!

**Speedy:** I think Stephanie suits me more.

**Guido:** Okay fine, but no more name changes! What else?

**Speedy:** Twenty-one. Natural blonde. Perky! You?

**Guido:** Gianna. Twenty-two. Hotter then Stephanie … (smirk)

**Speedy:** Hey!

**Guido:** Shut up, we're almost there! Get your girl voice ready …

**Speedy:** (pointing) Check it out, it's Miss Ratina!

**N:** Yes, it was indeed Miss Selma H. Ratina standing outside a parked bus where a long line of girls were stepping on board one by one. Miss Ratina was, predictably, the spitting image of the Big Cheese dressed in drag. Speedy and Guido join the cue …

**Miss Ratina:** (holding a clipboard, taking down names) Move along sweetheart. Next!

(Guido's up.)

**Miss Ratina:** Name?

**Guido:** (in a girl's voice) Gianna, mam!

**Miss Ratina:** (looking Guido up and down, critically) You got a surname, Gianna?

**Speedy:** (whimpering behind Guido's shoulder) Crap! We forgot surnames!

(Guido elbows him to be quiet. Speedy yelps.)

**Speedy:** (hissing in Guido's ear) You elbowed me in the boob, idiot!

**Guido:** (hissing back) _Fake_ boob!

**Miss Ratina:** AHEM!

**Guido:** (speaking quickly) Gianna … Brown! Gianna Brown, Miss Ratina.

**Miss Ratina:** (handing him a sheet of paper) Please fill out this form with the rest of your details, and load your luggage under the bus. Next!

**Speedy:** (bounding forward – perky and girly) Hello!

**Miss Ratina:** (monotone) Name?

**Speedy:** Daisy!

(Guido drops his suitcase.)

**Guido:** _Daisy_!

**Speedy:** Yes, Daisy! I just remembered my mother was going to call me Daisy if I turned out to be a girl.

(Miss Ratina glares at Speedy, eyebrows raised. Speedy panics.)

**Speedy:** Eh, I mean she _did_ call me Daisy because I _did_ turn out to be a girl. Who knew!

(Continuing to glare, Miss Ratina – much to Speedy's relief – brushes it off.)

**Miss Ratina:** Surname please?

**Speedy:** Er … (who wasn't prepared) … MacGyver!

(It was Guido's turn to glare at Speedy. Miss Ratina wrote Speedy's name down and handed him his form. Speedy loaded his luggage.)

**Guido:** (speaking to Speedy in a low, incredulous voice) Daisy MacGyver? What kind of a name is that supposed to be!

**Speedy:** It was the first surname I could think of! Give me a break. Big Al should've organised the name thing in advance.

**N:** The boys ascended the stairs to the bus, where they were met with a sight sent directly from heaven!

**Guido:** (love hearts in his eyes) Oh my …

**Speedy:** (also with love hearts in his eyes) _There is a god_!

(Speedy and Guido are faced with two rows of bus seats filled with twenty-something girls, all chatting and looking over at them curiously.)

**Guido:** (shaking his 'love spell' off, and doing his best to maintain control) Just remember 'Daisy': _we're girls_.

**Speedy:** Affirmative, 'Gianna'. (Repeating it soothingly to himself, like a mantra) We're girls … we're girls … we're girls …

(They walk down the aisle, heading for two empty seats in the back. The other girls wave and greet them along the way.)

**Girl One:** Hi! I'm Faye.

**Girl Two:** I'm May!

**Girl Three:** Hey there! I'm Honey.

**Girl Four:** I'm Clover!

**Girl Five:** I'm Saskia!

**Girl Six:** Tinka!

**Girl Seven:** Bobbi!

**Girl Eight:** Prudence!

**Speedy:** (with a wide, toothy smile) Hello! Hi girls! Hows it going? I'm Daisy!

**Guido:** Sit down, Daisy!

(Guido grabs Speedy by the arm and pulls him into the seat next to him.)

**Speedy:** What? I was being friendly.

**Guido:** Yeah. _Too_ friendly!

**Speedy:** By the way, how's my girl voice?

**Guido:** Like gender-bender butterflies the sequel.

**Girl sitting across the aisle, alone:** Hello!

(Speedy and Guido turn to their right – stunned.)

**Speedy, Guido:** LUCILLE!

**Lucille:** How did you know my name?

**Speedy:** We ah … (covering his tracks, girl voice in tact) … we saw your profile as we were walking over!

(Speedy indicated to the sheet of paper Lucille was filling out.)

**Lucille:** Oh, silly me! I hope you don't think I'm being intrusive, it just seems like everybody came to this thing with somebody else, and I came by myself. I'd really like to make some new friends …

**Guido:** (sounding positively thrilled) We'll be your friends, Lucille!

**Speedy:** We sure will! I'm Daisy.

**Guido:** I'm Gianna! Gianna Brown.

**Lucille:** Nice to meet you. Gosh, I hope all the girls here as nice as you two!

(Speedy and Guido laugh nervously.)

**Speedy:** We LOVE girls!

(Guido elbows him.)

**Guido:** Because that's what we are! A bunch of girls! Right Daisy?

**Speedy:** (hissing in Guido's ear) Stop hitting my boob, bozo! You're gonna pop one of them if you're not careful.

**Guido:** (lowering his eyes to Speedy's chest) What have you got down there anyway?

**Speedy:** Balloons filled with buttermilk.

**Guido:** I thought they felt bouncy …

**Miss Ratina:** (standing at the head of the bus) ATTENTION! Attention ladies, eyes to the front!

**Speedy:** (still hissing at Guido) What are the chances of Lucille doing this course as well as us! Francine was right, somebody outta shoot the writer.

**Guido:** Chill out! Lucille hasn't got a clue who we are …

(The bus falls silent, listening to Miss Ratina.)

**Miss Ratina:** Good morning ladies, my name as you all probably know is Selma H. Ratina – better known as Miss Ratina. I've been teaching basic self-defence to girls for ten years now, though this is the first time I've offered the course to residents of Little Tokyo. Make no mistake, ladies: this may be a beginners course, but I'll train you hard. I'll train you tough. I'll mould you from sponges into rocks!

**Guido:** (murmuring to Speedy) Are we sure this is the Big Cheese? He's usually more flamboyant and prissy when he's dressed like a woman. This Miss Ratina has a definite Judge Judy vibe!

**Speedy:** (murmuring back) It's gotta be him. Besides, no girl could be that ugly!

**Guido:** Yeah, 'cause you've already got that covered.

**N:** At the Pizza Parlour …

**Polly:** And this is when they were testing different lipstick colours on Guido! Oh, and _this_ is when Speedy was getting his eyelashes tinted!

**N:** Polly was showing General Catton and Meowsma snapshots of Guido and Speedy being transformed into women. Seeing that neither Polly nor Francine were in good health, Big Al had to send for assistance from the Rescue Team. Like they had anything better to do!

**Fran:** (entering the scene on crutches) C'mon, Polly! Let the two of them get to work, you shouldn't be near them anyway. Go home and stuff yourself with cold medicine!

**General Catton:** We were just having a peek, Francine.

**Meowsma:** One of those photos will make a great Christmas card for the mailout at the end of the year!

(As General Catton and Meowsma return to work, Polly blows her nose.)

**Polly:** You should go home too, Francine. Get some rest.

**Fran:** Rest? With all the accounting that needs to be done? I'd prefer to stay here and sit in the back.

**Polly:** (rolling her eyes) A typical response from a typical workaholic! I'll only need a day or two of rest anyway. I get over colds pretty quickly. With any luck I'll be able to join Speedy and Guido at that course!

**N:** Speaking of Speedy and Guido …

(The entire bus is singing the following, while bobbing from side to side:

"_Three little maids from school are we_

_Pert as a school-girl well can be_

_Filled to the brim with girlish glee_

_Three little maids from school!"_)

**Speedy:** (singing loudly from the back) EVERYTHING IS A SOURCE OF FUN!

(Everybody giggles.)

**N:** Good grief, he'll never be a man again!

**Speedy:** (speaking to the Narrator) Forget it! No amount of make-up or girly singing can penetrate the core of my masculinity.

**Lucille:** Say Daisy! You have such pretty hair, are you a natural blonde?

**Speedy:** (going into girly overdrive) Why yes I am! And _perky_!

**N:** I rest my case.

(One hour later: the bus stops. They've arrived.)

**Miss Ratina:** (standing at the front of the bus again) All right ladies! Let's clear out please, one by one.

**Guido:** (staring out the bus window, with Speedy hovering over his shoulder) Looks nice – from the outside, at least.

**Speedy:** Yeah, not too shabby! Still, be prepared for anything.

**Guido:** Right!

(The bus has stopped in front of a circular complex, with small japanese-style wooden cabins around the perimeter and a lush, green field filling the centre.)

**Miss Ratina:** (standing at the base of the stairs, instructing the girls as they leave the bus single file) Collect your luggage and go stand in the field please! Watch your step there, Gianna.

(Miss Ratina offers her hand to Guido, who reluctantly takes it and hops off the bus.)

**Guido:** (mumbling to himself) Did I look like I needed to watch my step? Something's not right about that Miss Ratina … AGH!

(Speedy pushes past Guido, knocking him down.)

**Speedy:** Let me help you with your suitcase, Lucille!

**Lucille:** Oh, why thank you Daisy! How kind of you. But it's _suitcases_, actually.

(Speedy's face drops as he discovers Lucille has brought over ten items of luggage with her.)

**Speedy:** Didn't the brochure say 'travel light'?

**Lucille:** (puzzled) This isn't light?

(Both Speedy and Guido split Lucille's luggage between them, while also managing to carry their own.)

**Guido:** You better stop flirting with Lucille 'Daisy' or you'll land us both in hot water!

**Speedy:** Me? What about you 'Gianna'! I saw you two chatting and giggling on the bus, sharing eachother's lip balm! "Try some Lucille, its banana flavour!"

(Miss Ratina passes Speedy and Guido in that instant. They both shut up.)

**Miss Ratina:** You two are strong! I like that in a woman … (she winks at them, and walks on ahead)

**Speedy:** (grossed out) Ew!

**Guido:** I'll second that.

**Miss Ratina:** (announcing to the group from the field) Gather round, ladies! That's it.

(Relieved, Speedy and Guido drop Lucille's and their luggage before joining the others in front of Miss Ratina.)

**Miss Ratina:** I'm going to hand out the keys to the cabins! Please split into pairs.

**Speedy:** (looking over at Lucille, who appears forlorn) Aw, Lucille's all by herself! Maybe I should pair up with her and you go with one of the others?

**Guido:** Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you! We're sticking together.

**Miss Ratina:** After you have your key, go to your assigned cabin with your roommate and deposit your luggage. You'll have half-an-hour to freshen up, after which I want you all back here to commence the first lesson!

**N:** As Lucille paired off with Faye or May or whoever it was, Speedy and Guido helped her once again with the luggage before finally reaching their own cabin where they were welcomed by the sight of two single beds.

**Speedy:** (collapsing on the nearest bed, panting) Oh boy …

**Guido:** (collapsing on the other bed, and throwing off his sandals) Man, my feet are killing are me! What did Lucille pack? Piles of bricks?

**Speedy:** I think she mentioned something about reserves of ammunition for her hair-do.

**Guido:** (groaning tiredly) This isn't heaven, this is hell! Surrounded by gorgeous babes and I can't ask out any of them because _I'm_ a gorgeous babe!

**Speedy:** Maybe you could ask yourself out?

**Guido:** Very funny. How much time before we have to go back?

**Speedy:** 'Bout twenty minutes.

**Guido:** That's not enough time to undress and dress again, is it?

**Speedy:** Nope.

**Guido:** (taking his wig off a minute and scratching his head) Wearing all this girl stuff takes some serious getting use too.

**Speedy:** I know, I think my bra's too tight … (he wriggles around uncomfortably) … and I'm pretty sure my boobs are lop-sided thanks to you.

**Guido:** Why are you using balloons filled with custard anyway? Isn't that risky?

**Speedy:** It's buttermilk, and the wardrobe department told me it'd be more realistic. Why, what are you using?

**Guido:** Socks.

**Speedy:** Yeah well, that's why you've got the rack of a pre-teen girl … (chuckle)

**Guido:** (covering his chest self-consciously) Better then having a pair of potential milk-bombs strapped to my chest!

**N: **Will these, er … 'ladies' be able to uncover Miss Selma H. Ratina for who she really is? Will the oestrogen get to them and turn them into girls permanently? Maybe they'll get a sitcom like Tom Hanks and what's-his-name? Stick around!


	2. Chapter Two

**Narrator:** Ahem! As fascinating as Speedy and Guido's conversation was about the essential relationship between dairy products and fake boobies, we now join them outside on the field with the rest of the class …

(Miss Ratina has asked everyone to stand in a straight line. She paces in front of them, hands behind her back ... )

**Miss Ratina:** As I said earlier, this may be a beginners course ladies but I will NOT tolerate slackers! I expect a hundred and ten percent from each and every one of you. I also expect that you abide by the following rules. One! Nobody leaves the complex without permission. Two! Curfew is at nine o'clock and no later. Three! You will only eat the food we serve you. You'll eat three square meals a day and no more. The food is plain at best, but nutritious …

**Speedy:** (mumbling quietly to himself) Three meals? That's barbaric!

**Miss Ratina:** Four! And this is the most important rule: under no circumstances are any guests to visit you whilst you are staying here. Especially any MEN!

(Speedy yelps nervously as Guido gulps. Miss Ratina stops walking and stares them both harshly in the eye.)

**Miss Ratina:** You have a problem with rule number four, Gianna? Daisy?

**Guido:** No Miss Ratina, absolutely not! We don't want to have anything to do with men.

(Speedy plays along.)

**Speedy:** Right! (Scrunching his face in disgust) Men – _yeh_! Vile, hairy beasts!

**Guido:** With bad smells!

**Speedy:** And scratchy chins!

**Guido:** And they've only got one thing on their mind!

**Speedy:** Yeah, skirts and buttermilk!

(Miss Ratina scrutinizes them both closely. Then she says, to the group at large … )

**Miss Ratina:** Gianna and Daisy understand men well!

(Speedy and Guido sigh in relief.)  
**  
Guido:** Close call.

**Speedy:** I'll say! Like Miss Ratina should talk. Has she seen her gender lately?

(Guido chuckles.)

**Miss Ratina: **The first activity of the day will be: running!

(Everybody groans in dread.)

**Miss Ratina:** I want you all to run around this field fifty times! That's it ladies, I'm going to do it too. Come along now!

**Speedy: **(beginning to jog) This isn't a self-defence course we've signed up for, it's fat camp!

**Guido:** (jogging beside him) Well, you did say you wanted to lose a couple of extra pounds. Holy mackerel, look at Miss Ratina go!

(They look towards Miss Ratina, jogging effortlessly at the front of the group.)

**Speedy:** Hang on. Since when was the Big Cheese supposed to be fit?

**Guido:** (just as suspicious as Speedy) I know. Big Al once told me he passed out two minutes into his Jane Fonda workout video.

**Speedy:** I heard it was thirty seconds.

**N: **After the running came the squats, the lunges, the sit-ups, the push-up's … and so on. I feel thinner just talking about it! As you can imagine, by the time lunch rolled by everyone was eager to re-fill their empty tummies …

(The class moves off the field to a mess hall where they sit down at a long table, waiting impatiently for lunch to be served. Speedy was holding his chopsticks so tightly they were in danger of snapping.)

**Speedy: **I'm so hungry I could eat everyone in this room! _And_ a giraffe!

**Guido:** I sure could go for one of Polly's meatball sandwiches right about now.

**Speedy:** Yeah! Or one of Francine's anchovy and ice-cream pizza specials …

**Guido:** Heads up, buddy! Here comes the food.

**Speedy:** (salivating) Where? Where?

(The waiter serves everyone the exact same thing: a bowl of miso and a tray of sushi.)

**N:** Not exactly that giraffe Speedy was hoping for …

**Speedy:** (very displeased) This is the starter, right?

**Guido:** (picking up his chopsticks) I think this is as good as it gets. Better make the most of it …

(Speedy finishes his lunch in a minute flat. He looks longingly over at Guido's tray … )

**Speedy:** Are you going to finish all your sushi?

**Guido:** Yes!

**Speedy:** _Fine_!

**Miss Ratina:** (standing up at the head of the table) After lunch ladies we will commune back out on the field and begin our first lesson in self-defence!

**Speedy:** (speaking in a low, sarcastic voice) Wow, some real live actual self-defence! And at a self-defence course and everything …

**Guido:** (whispering to Speedy confidentially) Don't forget, we can't 'over perform' whatever self-defence moves Miss Ratina shows us. We gotta play it down, pretend we're beginners like the rest of the girls and not professional samurais.

**Speedy:** (grumbling) Don't worry, I'm too hungry to 'over perform' right now.

(As they all move on outside, Speedy and Guido overhear some of the other girls talking.)

**Faye:** I can hardly move my legs!

**May:** I can hardly_ feel_ my legs!

**Lucille:** Hey Daisy! Hey Gigi! I can call you Gigi, can't I?

(Lucille had bounced over to Speedy and Guido, who were more then happy to talk to her.)

**Guido:** (putting on his girl voice) Sure! It's no problem, Lucille. How are you finding the course so far?

**Lucille:** (sounding glum) Oh, it's very hard. I had no idea it was going to be this tiresome! I'm not even sure if I'll survive the rest of the day let alone the next hour.

**Speedy:** Don't despair, Lucille. I'll look out for you!

**Lucille:** You will? Oh thank you, Daisy! You're very kind.

**Guido:** I'll look out for you too, Lucille!

**Speedy:** (pushing Guido back) Tough nuts Gigi, I called it!

**Lucille:** (giggling, she encircles her arm with Speedy's) You two are so protective! You're like big sisters.

(As Speedy and Lucille walk on ahead arm-in-arm, Speedy looks over his shoulder at Guido and smirks. Guido scowls in return.)

**Miss Ratina:** (calling out) GATHER ROUND! We're going to be practicing some simple side kicks first, as a warm-up. Ten kicks on each leg …

(Miss Ratina was standing in the middle of the field, surrounded by punching bags.)

**Miss Ratina:** Everyone take a bag and split into pairs.

(Speedy was still interlinked with Lucille, so Guido got Speedy by the tail and yanked him away.)

**Speedy:** HEY! Me and Lucille were going to be partners.

**Guido:** (chucking a bag at Speedy) Over my dead body, 'Daisy'!

**Speedy: **Thanks for the tip, 'Gianna'!

(Speedy holds up the bag for Guido, who starts kicking.)

**Speedy:** You're just jealous 'cause Lucille likes me more then you – even when I'm a chick!

**Guido:** (kicking harder … ) Shut up, Speedy! Get back into character.

**Speedy:** She's always liked me more and you know it!

**Guido:** (kicking harder … ) I mean it, _shut up_!

**Speedy:** Lucille likes me, na na na na! My boobs are bigger then yours – YAAAAAAAAH!

**N:** Oops. Guido lost his temper and dragon kicked Speedy into the next hemisphere. Normally this wouldn't bother him, but Guido remembered he was supposed to be pretending to be 'Pollyanna' and not Polly Esther.

**Guido:** Crap …

**Miss Ratina:** _Gianna_!

(Miss Ratina runs over to Guido, looking as though she was in shock but highly impressed. The girls look on Guido in awe.)

**Miss Ratina:** Gianna sweetheart, where did you learn to kick like that?

**Guido:** (thinking fast) I ah … I copied it from that 'Charlie's Angels' movie! Yeah! I've seen it like ten times, Lucy Liu's seriously hot – (correcting himself) – I mean Bill Murray! Billy Murray's hot.

**Lucille:** (dashing over to Guido) Gigi, that was extraordinary!

(All the girls crowd around him.)

**Bobbi****:** Gigi, could you show me how to do that some time?

**Honey:** Yeah, me too!

**Prudence****:** Me three!

**N:** Speedy's back! So what's the southern hemisphere like this time of year?

**Speedy:** PISSED OFF!

**Guido:** (surrounded by Lucille and all the girls, he smirks over at Speedy) Welcome back, Daisy. Did you have a nice flight?

**Speedy:** (enraged) Grrrr! Next time, YOU hold the bag!

**Miss Ratina:** Okay ladies, back to work! Back into pairs, please … what the?

**Lucille:** _Oh no_!

**N:** Not to sound crude (and I don't mind if I do!), but something just dropped out from beneath Lucille's kimono. It's a –

**Miss Ratina:** _Candy bar_! Lucille, I warned you …

**Lucille:** (tearful) Please, Miss Ratina!

**Speedy:** (whispering to Guido) No way! Lucille's been hiding a candy bar under her kimono all this time? She must have some incredible thigh muscles!

**Guido:** Makes me like her even more.

**Speedy:** I better go do something! Before the hatch on her head flips open ...

(Speedy moves quickly, going up to Miss Ratina and tapping her on the shoulder.)

**Speedy:** Excuse me, could I have my candy bar please?

**Miss Ratina:** (swiftly turning around) _Your_ candy bar?

**Speedy: **Yes, I need a little pick-me-up every now and then! Low blood sugar, you know.

**Miss Ratina:** Low blood sugar? I don't remember your profile specifying anything about low blood sugar! And if this is your candy bar how did it wind up over here under Lucille, you were standing over there!

**Speedy:** I threw it!

**Miss Ratina:** (incredulous) You threw it. Why would you do that?

**Speedy:** I have a nervous twitch! Sometimes I just throw things without thinking.

(Guido shakes his head in dismay.)

**Miss Ratina: **Nervous twitch? I don't remember _that_ on your profile, either. If you have any other medical conditions Daisy that I don't know about, please let me know. In the mean time, I'm confiscating this!

(She picks up the candy bar.)

**Miss Ratina:** Consider it strike one. Three strikes, and you're out!

(Defeated, Speedy walks over to Guido with his head hanging.)

**Guido:** You throw things without thinking? Where do you come up with this stuff!

**N:** It wasn't long before the afternoon set in, and the first day of class was over. Speedy and Guido, along with the others, retreated back to their cabins after a light dinner, where they didn't do a whole lot except groan in pain and lie around …

**Guido:** (lying on his bed) Eh, my aching everything! Takes me back to my training days … (removing his wig) … except I distinctly remember wearing less make-up. Hey, what's that you're holding?

(Speedy had reached down into his suitcase on the floor beside his bed, for a large bag of assorted candies.)

**Speedy:** (showing Guido the bag with a devilish smile) _Dessert_! Lucille's not the only one who can smuggle food.

**Guido:** Three strikes and you're out Speedy, remember? Big Al's not gonna be too impressed if you get yourself kicked out of this course.

**Speedy:** Who are you, Miss Ratina? She's feeding us nothing, Guido! Three servings of nothing per day! What am I supposed to do? Besides, technically the rules don't apply to me 'cause the rules are for the girls and I'm NOT a girl!

**Guido:** What about those extra pounds you were trying to lose?

**Speedy:** Quit hassling me Mr 'look at me, I have abs'! And anyway, a girl looks better with a bit of flesh on her bones ...

**Guido:** You're not a girl.

**Speedy:** (thoroughly annoyed) Would you go have your shower already!

(Guido enters the bathroom and locks the door. Just as the sound of running water can be heard, and just as Speedy was about to eat a mouthful of candy, there's a knock at the door. Followed by a muffled voice … )

**Lucille:** Daisy? Gianna?

**Speedy:** _Lucille_!

(Speedy hops off the bed in a dash and opens the door.)

**Speedy:** (whispering) Lucille, what are you doing here?

**Lucille:** Can I come in?

**Speedy:** Well, sure but –

(Lucille pushes past him inside. Speedy closes the door.)

**Lucille:** I just had to thank you, Daisy! For saving me today. You're a real pal!

**N:** But Speedy was temporarily entranced. For you see, Lucille was standing before him wearing nothing but a teeny pair of lacy pyjama shorts and matching top. He hadn't seen her this undressed since … well, that dream he had three nights ago!

**Lucille:** Daisy?

**Speedy:** (slurring) _Meh heeeeh_!

**Lucille:** Daisy? Are you okay?

**Speedy:** (slapping his own cheek, coming back to earth) Sure, I'm good! I'm good … I'm a girl.

**Lucille:** Huh?

**Speedy:** I mean, gee wiz girl! That sure is a nice nightie you're wearing! Really small and … small. Did I mention small?

**Lucille:** Oh Daisy, if it wasn't for you Miss Ratina would've kicked me out of the class. I'd be out in the middle of no where, sitting on my derriere!

**Speedy: **Oh, it's nothing Lucille! Don't mention it. I mean, when I think about you and your poor, lost … derriere … (clearing his throat abruptly)

**Lucille:** (who'd glanced towards Speedy's bed, at the bag of candy) _Huh_! Daisy, you're eating candy!

**Speedy:** Oh, yeah! I know we're not supposed to but I've always had an insatiable sweet tooth.

**Lucille:** Me too! As you obviously know. Do you mind if I have some? Ever since Miss Ratina took my candy bar I've been dying for something sweet.

**Speedy:** (looking her up and down again) I know what you mean …

(Excited, Lucille bounds over to Speedy's bed and helps herself to some candy.)

**Lucille:** (she motions for him to join her, the bag of candy in her hand) Daisy, come over here! Let's get under the covers together.

**Speedy:** (gasping) _What_! The covers? Together? Why?

**Lucille:** C'mon!

**Speedy:** (who didn't need any further convincing) All right.

(Speedy leaps over to the bed, giddy, and gets under the covers with Lucille and the candy.)

**Lucille:** See, Daisy? Isn't this fun!

**Speedy:** (giggling shrilly) He he, yes! SO much fun! I shouldn't be doing this –

(Speedy, having second thoughts, makes to leave. Lucille grabs his arm and pulls him back in.)

**Lucille:** No, stay! It's exactly like when I was a little girl, and I used to have slumber parties with all my girlfriends. We used to get in bed with eachother, all snugly-like! Eating junk food and tickling eachother under the blankets with our feet. Like this …

(Lucille tickles Speedy's leg. Speedy giggles so hard he cries.)

**Speedy:** He he, ha ha! Lucille, stop! _Stop_!

**Lucille:** Didn't you have slumber parties with lots of girls when you were younger?

**Speedy:** No, but it was always my boyhood dream – _girlhood_ dream!

**Lucille:** Oh, that's awful! Why didn't you have any?

**Speedy:** (feigning depression) Well, I think it was 'cause of the lazy eye and gimpy leg I used to have has a child … I was so lonely.

**Lucille:** How horrible for you!

**N:** Laying it on a little thick, isn't he?

**Lucille:** (feeling sorry for him) You know what, Daisy? I'm going invite some of the other girls in here, so you know what a proper slumber party feels like! Hang on …

**Speedy:** No, wait! _Lucille come back_!

**N:** But Lucille – fortunately and unfortunately for Speedy – could not be stopped! The news that Gianna and Daisy had a stash of candy spread like wildfire across the complex. Seeing that nobody was particularly keen to continue Miss Ratina's diet, a group of eight girls soon ambushed Speedy's room.

**Speedy:** (waving his arms in a wild panic) Girls, no! Stop! You can't come in here! _Girls_!

**Faye:** (holding up a bottle) I've got champagne!

(All the girls whoop in delight.)

**May:** PARTY TIME!

**Clover:** _Ssh_! You don't want Miss Ratina to hear us, do ya?

**Honey**: Relax! Don't be such a killjoy.

**Prudence:** Everybody onto Daisy's bed!

**Speedy:** (begging) No, not onto Daisy's bed! BAD CALL!

(More whoops of delight, as everybody dives for Speedy's bed.)

**Speedy:** (drowning in a sea of women's legs) _Wa ha_!

**Saskia:** Hey … (draping herself over Speedy's lap, to peer inside his suitcase on the other side) … you guys, they brought potato chips as well!

**N:** Oh look! Guido's out of the shower. Right on time, too!

(Guido opens the door to the bathroom, wearing a long purple nightdress and his wig. He can hardly believe the sight that meets his eyes … )

**All the girls:** (with smiling faces) Hey, Gigi!

**Speedy:** (waving his hand feebly, with Saskia still draped across his lap) Yeah, hey Gigi. Have a nice shower?

**Guido:** (trying to keep his voice level and composed) Ah, Daisy? What have you been up to?

**Lucille:** (answering excitedly) We're having a slumber party! Daisy said she's never had one before because her leg used to be gimpy. Isn't that sad?

(Guido glares towards Speedy, who sinks beneath the covers a little.)

**Guido:** Yes. VERY sad …

**Bobbi:** Won't you join us?

**Tinka:** Always room for one more!

**Guido:** I'd love to girls, but I really don't think – WO!

(Tinka takes Guido's hand and drags him onto the bed with Speedy, Lucille and the others. Guido comes to lie down next to Speedy, and whispers harshly in his ear – )

**Guido:** Did you have to tell them you've never had a slumber party before?

**Speedy:** (whispering back) I was deprived of a girlish childhood!

**Guido:** Take a wild guess _why_!

**Speedy:** It wasn't my fault, I didn't invite them!

**Honey:** I've got paper cups for the champagne!

**May:** So what are you waiting for, Honey? Spread it round!

(Faye cracks the bottle open, as Honey distributes the champagne to everyone.)

**Speedy, Guido:** (ogling all the girls around them, while muttering pathetically to themselves) We're girls, we're girls, _we're girls_!

**Saskia:** Say, are you two all right? You look like you're coming down with something.

**Bobbi:** Yeah, and why are you sinking into the mattress like that?

**Faye:** Not scared of a little champagne, are ya? Ha ha!

**Speedy:** (slightly breathless) No no, we're fine!

**Guido:** Yes! Just fine, fine as can be … (taking a paper cup of champagne from Honey) … but should we really be drinking at this hour?

**Tinka:** It's a party, Gigi! Loosen up.

**Guido:** (speaking more to himself then anyone else) I'm in a bed with nine girls who wanna to party. Why am I complaining?

(Giving in, Guido dunks the champagne down and asks for another. Speedy, thinking along the same lines as Guido, dunks his cup as well.)

**N:** Those tomcats better keep their wigs on and their tails down, or these girls are in for a rude awakening!

**Faye:** (finishing a joke) So then Adam says: 'what can I get for just a rib?'

(Everyone laughs hysterically – especially Speedy, who's a tad tipsy at this point.)

**Speedy:** (laughing) Ah ha ha ha ha ha! I don't get it.

**Honey:** Say, have any of you guys ever met the Samurai Pizza Cats before?

(Guido near chokes on his champagne. Speedy falls off the bed.)

**Honey****:** (raising an eyebrow) Did I say something … sensitive?

**May:** Lucille knows them!

**Lucille:** (feeling self-conscious) Oh! Why yes, I suppose I do.

**Guido:** How interesting. And ah … (sounding sly) … what are they like, Lucille?

**Speedy:** (climbing back on the bed – and cutting to the chase) Yeah, and who do you like better: Speedy or Guido?

**N:** Yes folks, it was the million dollar question that has plagued Speedy and Guido ever since this series first went to air: WHO does Lucille like more? It's the question that could destroy a friendship! Provoke madness into one of the rivals! Send Menelaus across the sea to wage war on Troy! Yeah well, you get the idea …

**Lucille:** (thinking) Well, I guess …

**Guido:** (butting in) Pick Guido Lucille, he's the handsome one!

**Speedy:** No, pick Speedy! He's cute and cuddly!

**Guido:** Guido has abs!

**Speedy:** Speedy has big boo – I mean, biceps!

**Lucille:** Actually … (she sticks her tongue out and giggles) … I've always had a thing for Spritz!

**N:** There goes the neighbourhood.

**Speedy, Guido:** (caught completely off guard) _SPRITZ_!

**Lucille:** (blushing profusely) Please don't tell anyone, I'd be so embarrassed!

**Speedy:** (whispering in Guido's ear) When we get home, Spritz dies!

**Guido:** (whispering back) Agreed.

**Saskia:** (holding Speedy's bag of potato chips) What flavour are these?

**Prudence:** Pass one here, let me try!

**Saskia:** Okay – woopsie!

**Speedy:** _Agh_!

**Saskia:** I dropped it, it fell down the back of Daisy's kimono. Sorry Daisy, I'll fish it out …

**Speedy:** No that's all right I can get it – AH!

(Saskia sticks her arm down Speedy's back, giving him the shivers – and making him laugh.)

**Speedy:** He he, ha ha! Saskia stop, that area's sensitive!

**Clover:** Daisy's ticklish!

**Faye:** _Get her_!

**Speedy:** AAAAHHHH!

(All the girls pin Speedy down, giggling and tickling him to death. Speedy laughs and wails in pain.)

**Speedy:** (wriggling to get free) GIANNA HELP! He he he! GIANNAAAA!

**Miss Ratina:** WHAT is going on here?

**Speedy, Guido and the girls:** (tumbling off Speedy's bed like a stack of dominos) _Aaahhh_!

**Miss Ratina:** (very cross) Curfew started ten minutes ago. Everybody to their own cabins this INSTANT!

(Everyone but Speedy and Guido runs out, stifling giggles. As the room empties, Miss Ratina surveys the mess: there are paper cups every where, a bag of strewn potato chips, and wrinkled up candy wrappers all over the floor. Faye had taken the champagne bottle with her. Speedy and Guido huddle together on Speedy's bed, doing their best to look innocent. Miss Ratina gives them a stern glare, and simply says … )

**Miss Ratina:** We will deal with this in the morning.

(And with that, she leaves. Speedy and Guido breathe a collective sigh of relief, collapsing on the bed.)

**Speedy:** (looking up at the ceiling) _Phew_! That wasn't so bad.

**Guido:** (also looking up at the ceiling) Yeah, but we are SO busted tomorrow.

**Speedy:** (smiling dreamily, and sighing again) That was the best slumber party I ever had! Except for the part where I was attacked. Why didn't you help me?

**Guido:** I preferred to watch. It was comical!

**Speedy:** (sarcastic) Gee, thanks. You do realise I was suffocating?

**Guido:** There are worse ways to die then at the hands of a bunch of babes. All I can say is thank the lord these ladies panties are chafing me, or …

**Speedy:** … a rude awakening?

(They laugh. Speedy changes the subject … )

**Speedy:** Just tell me this, Guido: what evil plot would the Big Cheese be brewing in this situation? Except depriving us all of candy and making us go to bed on time. In that respect he's being about as evil as my mother.

**Guido:** I don't know. I'm still not convinced Miss Ratina is the Big Cheese …

**Speedy:** But it's gotta be the Big Cheese! She looks and sounds exactly like him. Plus he's used the 'Ratina' alias before to open that charm school. These are different but similar circumstances.

**Guido:** I know, but it still doesn't gel. We should call Polly tomorrow and get more information on what the Big Cheese was like at that school.

**Speedy:** Yeah. If we haven't been kicked out, that is.

**To be continued …**


	3. Chapter Three

**Miss Ratina: **(yelling at the top of her voice) DAISY! GIANNA!

**Speedy, Guido:** (springing up in their beds) WAHA!

**Speedy:** (momentarily confused) But mom, I don't _wanna_ go to school today! Wait … where am I?

**Guido:** On the air, school's over!

**N****arrator:** It's five-thirty the next morning –

**Speedy, Guido:** (shocked beyond measure) _Five-thirty_!

**N:** Don't shoot the messenger! You think I'M happy to be up this early, looking at you two gender-bended boneheads? Nobody considers my feelings …

**Guido:** Get on with it!

**N:** I will! It's five-thirty the next morning when Miss Ratina decides to bang on Speedy and Guido's door to rouse their lazy behinds out of bed. THERE!

**Speedy:** (rubbing his eyes) Why's Miss Ratina waking us up at freakin' five-thirty? I thought we weren't supposed to wake up 'til freakin' six-thirty!

**Guido:** I have a feeling this has something to do with our punishment … (yawn)

**N:** Guido was freakin' right! Seeing as Miss Ratina was about as merciful as Speedy's morning breath, she forced all those who attended Daisy and Gianna's infamous slumber party to run ten laps around the field before breakfast.

(Speedy and Guido are now running outside, dressed fully in their 'girly' attire.)

**Miss Ratina:** (yelling at the girls as they run their laps) Nothing like a morning jog to get your digestion pumping, huh ladies?

**Speedy:** (muttering) Yeah, I'd like to _pump_ her!

(Guido stares at Speedy weirdly.)

**Speedy: **Okay so that came out wrong … but listen! I'm convinced Miss Ratina is the Big Cheese.

**Guido:** How do you figure?

**Speedy:** Because she's a rotten, good-for-nothing RAT! _That's_ how. It's the Big Cheese down to a tea.

**Guido:** Whatever, we're still calling Polly later.

**N:** Guido has a right to be suspicious. For you see, if Speedy and Guido don't uncover some dastardly scheme at this self-defence course, then basically their presence is … meaningless. But funny! For us. And isn't that what really matters?

(Guido runs past Miss Ratina again, on his eighth lap. She gives him a wink … )

**Miss Ratina:** Nice form, Gigi!

**Speedy:** (highly amused) Ah ha ha ha!

**Guido:** (revolted) Shut up!

(After their run Speedy, Guido and the others congregate in the mess hall for breakfast.)

**Speedy:** (sarcastic) Gee, I wonder what delicious meal they'll be serving us this morning! Tofu flakes?

**N:** Ask and you shall receive!

(The waiter serves Speedy and Guido a bowl of tofu flakes with skim milk.)

**Guido:** (glaring at Speedy) Nice going, 'Daisy'!

**Speedy:** (ears flopping in disappointment) Since when did the writers ever listen to what I have to say? I was being a smartass, I didn't even know tofu flakes existed!

**Guido:** The next time your ass wants to get smart, tell it to take a hike would ya?

(Once Speedy and Guido finish their breakfast, they dash back to their room to make the call to Polly. As Guido dials the number for Polly's apartment, Speedy briskly searches through his luggage.)

**Speedy:** I swore I had an extra bag of potato chips hidden somewhere … damn it! You think those smelly soaps in the bathroom are edible?

**Guido:** (talking on the phone) Hey, Polly! It's us, how's it going? You still sick?

**Polly:** (from the other line) ACHOOOOOOOO!

(Guido holds the receiver far away, as if to protect himself from any possible telephone transmitted germs.)

**Guido:** (bringing the receiver back to his ear) Ask a stupid question …

**Polly:** I'm not that sick!

**Guido:** Yeah, and Speedy's not trying to eat soap right now.

**Polly:** What?

**Speedy:** (calling out from the bathroom) They're not edible!

**Guido:** Thanks for the tip! (Talking to Polly again) Nevermind. I'm calling because I need to ask you about the Big Cheese and what he was like when you went to his charm school. Was he ever …

(As Guido tries to think of the right word, Speedy calls out again … )

**Speedy:** Was he the reincarnation of Hitler?

**Polly:** Huh?

**Guido:** (talking over Speedy) Was he really bossy and militant? Like he made you do heaps of rigorous exercise and put you on a really strict diet and stuff?

**Speedy:** More like starving us to death!

**Polly:** (answering Guido) Well sure he was! He made us all dance with these iron shoes on our feet to build up our thigh muscles, and then he made me go through a series of dangerous booby traps! Thank goodness I perform all my own stunts.

**Guido:** And was he ever … kind of butch?

**Polly:** Butch? The Big Cheese? No. The Big Cheese is about as butch as Lucille. By the way, how's it going over there? You two boys fitting in? (She giggles)

**Guido:** Well our skirts haven't been blown yet, if that says anything. I'm 'Gianna Brown' and Speedy's 'Daisy MacGyver' …

**Polly:** (laughing) Ha ha, that's adorable! I wish I was there to see it. But Speedy's name sounds kind of fake.

**Guido:** That's what I said.

**Polly:** So what's with all the questions about the Big Cheese? Haven't you guys figured out what's going on?

**Guido:** Not as yet. I'm having doubts whether or not _our_ Miss Ratina and the Big Cheese are the same character.

**Speedy:** (interrupting loudly) Yeah! _Our_ Miss Ratina has the hots for Guido!

**Polly:** (who heard Speedy clearly this time) What! Is that true?

**Guido:** (sounding very disturbed) I fear deeply for my sanity.

**Polly:** Wait … if Miss Ratina's really a guy posing as a woman, and she's interested in you thinking you're a girl but you're actually a boy, what does that make Miss Ratina?

**Guido:** Confused.

**Polly:** I'll say! Look Guido, all you and Speedy have to do to solve this thing is find the robot. If you really are dealing with the Big Cheese, then there's always a robot hidden somewhere! Meanwhile, I'll talk to Big Al and see if he's got any new information from our end …

**Guido:** Cool, you do that. When you're feeling better.

**Polly:** (angered) But I AM feeling better! I – ACHOOOOOOOO!

**Guido:** Go to bed! And drink fluids.

**Polly:** _You_ drink fluids!

(Polly hangs up on him.)

**Guido:** (hanging up, and calling out to Speedy) Polly sends her love!

**Speedy:** (spitting out a chunk of soap) Yeah right. So what did she say? Anything helpful?

**Guido:** Apart from saying 'achoo' a whole lot, she said we should search for a robot. Good advice, really! Considering the format of our show.

**Speedy:** Yeah, good plan. There's always a robot! I'm holding out for the one that launches bowls noodles as its primary weapon …

(Speedy's stomach grumbles at the thought of noodles. Suddenly, he gets an idea … )

**Speedy:** (looking longingly down at his chest) Hang on …

**Guido: **(realising what Speedy's thinking) Oh no, Daisy! Don't even go there.

**Speedy:** But they're _milky_!

**Guido:** You can't eat your own boobs!

**Speedy:** I'll give you the left one?

**Guido:** (disgusted) NO!

**N:** Puts a whole new spin on the term 'breast-feeding' …

(Back outside, on the field …

Miss Ratina has set up a number of wooden planks; each individually held up by stone walls. Each student stands before a plank, awaiting instructions.)

**Miss Ratina:** Today ladies, we're going to attempt to punch our fists through wood!

(All the girls gasp in disbelief and whisper amongst themselves. Speedy raises his hand.)

**Miss Ratina:** Yes, Miss MacGyver? Do you have some other health problem I don't know about?

**Speedy:** Miss Ratina, isn't punching our fists through wood a little … advanced?

(All the girls nod in agreement.)

**Speedy:** (continuing) I mean, when I was training to be a samurai –

**Guido:** (clearing his throat loudly) AHEM!

**Speedy:** (quickly correcting himself) Er, I mean! When I was training to be a … a lumberjack! We ah, we didn't have to chop wood until … second year.

(Guido gives Speedy a very harsh 'what the HELL are you talking about?' look.)

**Miss Ratina:** Fascinating as ever Daisy, thank you. Yes ladies punching wood with our fists is quite advanced, but considering certain_ events_ that took place last night, I think you all need a stern lesson in discipline! Now begin.

(Moans and groans of pain surface amongst the class, as everyone attempts to punch though their wooden plank with zero success.)

**Speedy:** (punching) Agh! That _smarts_! You know Guido, we could snap these things easy if we wanted to …

**Guido:** (sarcastic) Yeah, especially with all that 'lumberjack training' we've had. I can't believe you almost blew our cover! _Again_! Whatever you do, DON'T snap this wood. We're namby-pamby pollyannas with no martial arts experience whatsoever … (punching) … OUCH!

(Miss Ratina, who'd been circling the group to check on everyone's progress, has stopped in front of Lucille.)

**Miss Ratina:** Lucille sweetie, is there a problem?

**Lucille:** (eyes watering) Miss Ratina, please! I can't do this. It really hurts and it's chipping my nail polish!

**Miss Ratina:** You can do this, Lucille. Harness your energy, focus!

**Lucille:** (shaking her head) No, I want my stunt double!

**Miss Ratina:** You can do it!

**Lucille:** (hatch opening … ) NO I CAN'T!

(Speedy and Guido duck for cover.)

**Speedy:** HIT THE FLOOR!

**Guido:** THUNDERCATS ARE GO!

(To everyone's immense shock, Miss Ratina places her hand on Lucille's head and forces the hatch closed.)

**Guido:** Wha … what's Miss Ratina doing?

**Speedy:** (distressed) NO! Lucille will implode!

**Miss Ratina:** (keeping her hand firmly on Lucille's head, and speaking calmly) Lucille, listen to me. All the energy that's rushing to your head right now – _use it_. Send it to your fist, and punch!

**Lucille:** But –

**Miss Ratina:** PUNCH!

(Though reluctant, Lucille takes a deep breath and tries to concentrate. When feeling safe to do so, Miss Ratina removes her hand from Lucille's head. Everyone is silent; watching in awe. Taking another breath and focusing with all her strength, Lucille cries out at the top of her voice and smashes her wooden plank to smithereens.

More silence. Until Speedy says – )

**Speedy:** Holy mother of codfish, she did it!

(Everyone whoops for joy and applauds! Lucille is beside herself with happiness.)

**Lucille:** I did it! I did it!

(In the height of the moment, Speedy decides to smash his wooden plank as well.)

**Speedy:** (jumping up and down with vigour) I DID IT TOO! I DID IT TOO!

(Then Guido … )

**Guido:** (feigning surprise at his own ability) Well what do ya know, _I_ did it too!

**N:** Because of Lucille's miraculous achievement, along with that of Speedy and Guido's (thanks to their top secret 'lumberjack' skills), the class is suddenly infused with renewed confidence. Not since a kung-fu movie marathon have you seen so much desecrated wood!

**Faye:** (destroying her wood) YAH!

**May:** YAH!

**Honey:** YAH!

**Clover: **YAH!

**Saskia: **YAH!

**Ti****nka: **YAH!

**Bobbi: **YAH!

**Prudence: **HIYAAAAAAAAH!

(Every single plank of wood has been obliterated. Speedy and Guido are startled, yet highly impressed. Miss Ratina is so proud she's weeping.)

**Miss Ratina:** (clapping) Bravo ladies, BRAVO! I've never witnessed such progress so soon from a beginner's class! Bravo!

**N:** As reward for their outstanding efforts, Miss Ratina decided to serve the girls a little extra food with their lunch –

**Speedy:** (blissful) WOO HOO!

**N:** – which essentially consisted of one added california roll and a salad with no dressing.

**Speedy:** (severely frustrated) WAAAH!

**N:** The next five days at Miss Ratina's self-defence course went by like a butt-kicking montage to the song 'I am Woman'! The girl's abilities exceeded expectations, and everyone was very happy. Speedy and Guido were happy too – SO happy in fact that they began to relish their roles as 'Daisy and Gianna', forgetting they were actually undercover Samurai Pizza Cats hunting down a robot. In the end they decided to remain as women; to give up their manhood permanently and audition for Sailor Moon …

**Speedy, Guido: **(interrupting angrily) SAILOR MOON!

**N:** That got their attention.

**Speedy:** We're not going to stay dressed as women permanently!

**N:** I'm just saying! It's Friday afternoon and neither of you have bothered to do what you were originally assigned. You've been too preoccupied bonding with the womenfolk. Discussing spray tans and Zac Efron! It's _embarrassing_! Why do you think we stopped filming you until now?

**Guido:** He's got a point.

**Speedy:** We only talked about Zac Efron once!

**N:** Yeah, for _two_ hours! While Speedy and Guido get overly in touch with their feminine side, Polly has recovered from her illness – for real, this time. She returns to the Emporium in bright spirits …

**Polly:** Morning, Francine! How's tricks?

**Fran****cine:** (hurrying over to Polly on crutches) Oh Polly! Thank goodness you're here. We have a serious problem!

**Polly:** Already?

(Meowsma appears on the scene with a large plunger in his hand.)

**Fran:** (turning to Meowsma) Any luck?

**Meowsma:** Nope. Stuck as ever I'm afraid.

**Fran:** (stressed) Oh!

**Polly:** What's going on? Is our toilet blocked again?

**Fran:** I tried to blast off General Catton about an hour ago, to make a delivery downtown except he … got stuck.

**Polly:** (shocked) In the _Cat-apult_?

**Meowsma:** I've been telling him to watch his waistline …

(Polly and Meowsma go outside, to stare up at the Cat-apult. They see General Catton stuck halfway inside the opening, from the waist down.)

**General ****Catton: **(waving and yelling down to his comrades) HEY GUYS!

**Polly:** (waving and yelling back) HEY GENERAL! WE'LL TRY AND GET YOU OUT IN A JIFFY, JUST HOLD TIGHT!

**N:** Holding tight doesn't appear to be his problem.

**Meowsma:** (speaking to Polly) At least it's the afternoon. We'll be closing shortly, and then we can concentrate on fishing him out.

**Polly:** Only something like this would happen on our show …

(Near by … )

**Junior:** (pointing up to the Cat-apult) Hey mom, how many hamburgers do you think Mr. Catton had to eat to get stuck in the Cat-apult?

**Mama-s****un:** I don't know Junior, but I guess whoever said his ass spanned three cast members wasn't kidding.

**Junior:** I thought that rumour was about you?

**N:** It was, I started it.

**Mama-sun:** (turning to the screen, hands on hips) _Hey_!

**N:** Er, or was that Speedy who started it? Anyway! After going back inside, Polly excuses herself to make a call to Big Al at the Palace …

**Big Al:** (on the other line) Big Al speaking?

**Polly:** Hiya Al, it's Polly here.

**Al:** Polly! How are you feeling? Have you recovered?

**Polly:** Pft! Like I was _that_ sick to begin with! Anyway, I was just calling to see if you'd heard anything from Speedy and Guido?

**Al:** Not a peep. I assume they're still trying to crack the case.

**Polly:** Really? You haven't heard word from them at all? Because I spoke to Guido on Tuesday and he said he was worried that maybe Miss Ratina wasn't really the Big Cheese in disguise …

**Al:** That's preposterous! _Of course_ Miss Ratina is the Big Cheese in disguise! As if I'd make an error of judgement like that –

**Big Cheese:** (entering Big Al's quarters) YOO HOO!

**Polly:** Who's there? Did I hear someone?

**Al:** (panicking) _Nobody_! Nothing … my mother-in-law. I'll call you back!

(Big Al hangs up on Polly.)

**Al:** (indignant) What the devil are you doing here!

(The Big Cheese, standing with Jerry Attric, Bad Bird and some ninja crows, are all smiling and wearing tropical shirts.)

**BC:** _Hmph_! Greetings to you too grumpy guts. We just got back from Bora Bora!

**Al:** BORA BORA!

**Jerry:** Cheesy learnt to play the ukulele!

**BC:** It's true, it's true! Yet another one of my many prodigious talents. Here, have a listen …

**Bad Bird:** (rolling his eyes) Here we go …

**BC:** (pulling out a ukulele from behind his back and beginning to sing … ) "Running wild, lost control! Running wild, mighty bold! Feeling GAY – "

**Al:** (shouting over him) THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!

**BB:** I agree. I've been listening to it non-stop on the plane ride home!

**BC:** There's nothing wrong with a little in-flight entertainment!

**BB:** The captain had to come out of the cockpit to tell you to shut up and take your seat!

**BC:** Ha ha! You said "cockpit" …

**Al:** Wait a second! Didn't you say you'd be gone for a week?

**Jerry:** That was the plan, but the weather report said there was a hurricane approaching so we had to leave early.

**BC:** A shame, too. Saturday was limbo night at our hotel …

**Al:** But … but you're not supposed to be in Bora Bora! _Or_ here! You're supposed to be in the suburbs, teaching young girls self-defence!

**BC:** (baffled) Teaching self-defence to girls in the suburbs? Ha! That sounds more like my twin sister …

**Al:** (eyes popping in surprise) _Twin sister_! You have a twin sister?

**BC:** Yes, I have a twin sister! Her name is Selma.

**Al:** SELMA!

**BC:** Is there an echo in here?

**Al:** As in Selma H. Ratina?

**BC: **I don't want to talk about my sister, Al! I can't stand that infernal woman! We've never been close. Not since …

**Al:** Since … when?

**BC:** Christmas Day 1960, if you must know ... (becoming visibly upset) … we were four years old, and Santa Claus did NOT buy me the original Fashion Teen Model Barbie like I had asked for. Instead, he bought it for _her_! Selma! Because she's a 'GIRL'! Can you believe that?

(The Big Cheese begins sobbing. Bad Bird rolls his eyes again, as Jerry goes to comfort his boss.)

**BC:** (wailing) Selma got Fashion Teen Model Barbie, and I got … (sniff) … I got a toy fighter jet! _What's a boy supposed to do with a damn fighter jet_!

**Jerry:** (patting the Big Cheese on the back) There there. We don't always get what we want for Christmas …

**BC:** (quickly recovering) Well, in the end my sister and I just swapped! It was only natural. Selma's always been into that kind of thing … she wanted to join the army when we were teenagers. _I _wanted to go into musical theatre!

**BB:** Shock horror.

**BC:** Now she's a self-defence teacher, helping women empower themselves and whatnot. And I'm Prime Minister! Out to conquer Little Tokyo and ultimately empower myself.

**Al:** No no no NO!

**BC:** (baffled further) What do you mean 'no'?

**Jerry:** Yeah! He's up himself, what do you expect?

**Al:** NO! I mean I thought _the Big Cheese_ was posing as Selma H. Ratina! I thought the self-defence course had something to do with one of his evil schemes. I thought maybe you were all going to take the girls hostage and then use it against the Pizza Cats!

**BC:** (intrigued) Hmm … take a bunch of innocent girls hostage you say? What a fabulous idea! And I thought I was going to be bored this weekend.

**Al:** Oh crap …

**N: **At last! We have a PLOT!

(Big Al makes an urgent transmission to the Pizza Parlour … )

**Polly, Fran: **(standing in front of the intercom screen) What's up, Big Al?

**Al:** I made a boo boo.

**Fran:** Not on the rug again?

**Al:** I'm talking about the Big Cheese! It turns out he was actually vacationing in Bora Bora this week, and Selma H. Ratina is his estranged twin sister!

**Fran:** (shocked) Wow! The Big Cheese has a twin?

**Polly:** As if one of him wasn't bad enough. So is the Big Cheese's sister just evil as he is?

**Al:** Apparently not. She's a legitimate self-defence teacher.

**Polly:** So what you're saying is, Guido was right for once and the girls doing the self-defence course were never really in danger to begin with?

**Al:** It would appear that way, yes. However! The Big Cheese came back early from his holiday and overheard me mention the scenario where he takes the girls hostage and uses them against the Pizza Cats. The idea went to his head and so now he's gone over there to do just that.

**Polly:** (unimpressed) Yep, it's a boo boo all right.

**Fran:** (equally unimpressed) A big one.

**Al:** Polly, are you up for a rescue mission?

**Polly:** Sure, but how am I supposed to get suited up and blast off? General Catton's still stuck in the Cat-apult!

**Al:** Then it's time for plan B. Francine?

**Fran:** (who understands what 'plan B' signifies) Rodger that, Big Al!

**Polly:** Someone mind telling me what plan B is?

**Fran:** A pink motorcycle and matching tracksuit ensemble!

**Polly:** (totally confused) What?

**Fran:** Don't you remember, Polly? The writers are spoofing 'Kill Bill' this episode.

**Polly**: I thought we were spoofing 'Some Like it Hot'?

**Fran:** That _and_ 'Kill Bill'! You're going to motorcycle your way to the 'House of Blue Shrubs' where the Big Cheese is going to take Speedy, Guido and the other girls hostage. Then you're going to defeat him and his ninja cronies in a choreographed samurai sword showdown!

**Polly:** I … am?

**Fran:** (frustrated) Oh for Pete's sake! Am I the only one reading the script around here?

**N:** Apparently. Does Polly even know how to ride a motorcycle? I guess it doesn't matter at this point.

(We suddenly see Polly outside the Emporium, wearing a pink leather racing outfit over a pink tracksuit. With her matching pink helmet in hand, she swings her leg over the motorcycle and waves up to Francine standing on the veranda.)

**Polly:** Bye Francine! Doesn't this outfit make me look hot?

**Fran:** (waving back) It's less trampy then the last one!

**Polly:** (who didn't quite hear her) What was that?

**Fran:** I said SUPER SEXY!

**Polly:** Oh … (waving up to General Catton) … BYE GENERAL!

**Catton:** BYE POLLY, GOOD LUCK! (Now calling to Francine) SAY FRAN, DID YOU CALL ME SEXY?

**Fran:** AS IF!

**To be continued ...**


	4. Chapter Four

"**SHOWDOWN at HOUSE OF BLUE SHRUBS"**

**Narrator:** At the same time Polly and Francine were talking with Big Al over the intercom, Miss Ratina was making an announcement to her students …

**Miss Ratina:** Ladies! Because of your OUTSTANDING efforts over the course of these last five days, I've decided to take you all out tonight to the local restaurant and bar called 'House of Blue Shrubs'! There'll be music, dancing, drinks … food.

(The girls are delighted. Miss Ratina looks at Speedy in particular when she says the word 'food'.)

**Speedy:** I love Miss Ratina!

**Guido:** (chuckling) Talk about a change of heart.

(Meanwhile, en route for the House of Blue Shrubs in a shiny black limousine … )

**Big Cheese: **(dressed in a snow-white kimono) What a diabolical scheme this was I thought up! And all by myself, as usual. I have to pull all the weight around here …

(Jerry and Bad Bird – both wearing black suits and kato masks – stare resentfully at the Big Cheese. The Big Cheese in the mean time, checks his make-up in the reflection of his samurai dagger.)

**Jerry:** Er … moving along. At least this gives us a chance to try out our new robot!

(Everyone looks over at the school girl sitting next to the Big Cheese.)

**BC:** (sheathing his dagger) Ah, yes! The GoGo-bot. Quite possibly one of my finest designs!

**Bad Bird:** You mean one of _my_ finest designs!

**Jerry:** She's turned off right now, but once we switch her on … she'll be lethal, boss! Don't let the generic school girl outfit fool you, GoGo-bot is one crazy machine.

**BC:** (laughing evilly) Ah ha ha ha ha! I love it, I love it! I can't wait 'til we get to the House of Blue Shrubs.

**BB:** Yeah … and how do we even know to go the House of Blue Shrubs anyway? I don't remember doing a scene where we found out the Big Cheese's sister was going there for a night out?

**Jerry:** It's a plot hole, go with it. It's just like this limousine! Why would we be driving to the suburbs in a stretch limo when we've just been on vacation? We can't afford this kind of thing right now.

**BC:** (commenting offhandedly) We can if it's on your credit card …

**Jerry:**WHAT! But you practically maxed out my credit card on beach volley ball lessons and piña coladas!

**BC:** _Practically_ maxed out. As in not in totality? Get a grip, Jerry!

**Jerry:** I hope this pain in my chest is just heartburn …

(Meanwhile, trailing the black limo on her pink motorcycle … )

**Polly:** I wonder if can keep this bike after the episode's over? I should review my contract once I get home.

**N:** Nice to see Polly keeping her mind on what's truly important.

(And at the House of Blue Shrubs … )

**N:** At last! Miss Ratina, Speedy, Guido and the all-female cavalry have arrived. And wouldn't you know it? Speedy's gone straight to the bar for snacks.

**Speedy:** (drooling) Exit stage _left_!

(As Speedy's goes to the bar, Guido and the others hit the dance floor where there's a live band playing, consisting of three girls – two on guitar, and one on drums.)

**Lead singer: **(singing) "Woo hoo woo hoo hoo, woo hoo woo hoo hoo! Woo hoo woo hoo hoo, woo hoo woo hoo hoo!"

**Faye:** So Gigi! Did you and Guido Anchovy _really_ used to date?

**May:** Yeah, like for real?

**Bobbi****:** Tell us what he's like!

**N:** This should be priceless …

**Guido:** Why yes! I spent the most magical two months of my life with Mr. Guido Anchovy. Romantic, charming, handsome … an _amazing_ lover! But I had to leave him in the end …

**Clover: **How come, Gigi?

**Guido:** (woeful sigh) I just didn't feel woman enough for him. I mean the guy's a superhero! And he's part Italian, AND he uses coconut scented body lotion every day to ensure his skin's silky soft.

**Lucille:** Oooh, coconut!

**Speedy:** (who'd suddenly appeared on floor, eating a bag of potato chips) I thought you left him because of that unsightly rash down on his – _agh_!

(Guido kicks Speedy in the shin, before he can say anything else.)

**Speedy:** (rounding on Guido) That was my SHIN 'Gianna'!

**Guido:** I know.

**Speedy:** Grrrrrrrr!

(Speedy and Guido proceed to have a verbal argument.)

**Tinka:** Would you look at that? Daisy and Gigi are fighting again.

**Honey:** Yeah, they do that a lot …

(Miss Ratina suddenly appears.)

**Miss Ratina:** Daisy and Gianna! At eachother's throats once again. I think you two need to spend a little time away from eachother, to blow off some steam. Come, Gigi … (snatching Guido's hand) … come dance with me over here!

**Guido:** (terrified) BUT –

**Speedy:** (happily watching Guido being dragged away) You two girls have fun now! We won't wait up … (laughing to himself) … he he, sucker! _Oh no_ …

(As Speedy turned around, he was suddenly confronted with – )

**Guru Lou:** (drunk) Well hello there pretty lady!

**Speedy:** Lou! What are you doing here? I don't remember reading your name in the script.

**Lou:** Ah, I see you already know who I am! Are you psychic? Are you the 'psychic pretty lady'?

**Speedy:** _That's_ your pick-up line? Oh Lou, no wonder you live alone up in the mountains … YAHA!

(Guru Lou pinches Speedy on the bum.)

**Lou:** Oops, my hand slipped!

**Speedy:** (whacking him on the head) Yeah, so did mine!

**Lou:** (unperturbed) Oooh, you're _feisty_! Give us some sugar …

**Speedy:** AGH!

(Guru Lou grabs Speedy and pulls him towards him. Speedy is petrified to say the least.)

**Speedy: **(flapping his arms, trying to escape) LET ME GO, LET ME GO! I'm not really a pretty lady!

**Lou:** C'mon! Just one kiss!

**Speedy:** _Yuck_! Gross much? I could sure use a distraction right now! Or a commercial …

**N:** Will this do?

(The Big Cheese and his entourage enter the vicinity: the Big Cheese out in front, flanked by Jerry Attric, Bad Bird, GoGo-bot, and ten ninja crows. Everyone in the restaurant stops and stares – even the band stops playing. Speedy escapes Guru Lou, as does Guido with Miss Ratina … )

**Guido:** (meeting up with Speedy) _Look_! It's …

**Speedy:** It's …

**Miss Ratina:** SEYMOUR!

(Clearly not happy to see him, Miss Ratina stalks towards her brother and faces him off.)

**Miss Ratina:** What brings your kind to these parts?

**BC: **Selma dear! How spiffy to see you again. Me and my gang of ninjas were just passing through town in our limo, when I suddenly thought: "wouldn't it be fun to see my twin sister again?"

**Guido:** (nudging Speedy in the ribs) You hear that? Twin sister! I told you Miss Ratina wasn't the Big Cheese.

**Speedy:** Yes, you were right for once. Yay you!

**BC:** I also thought: "wouldn't it be even _more_ fun to kidnap my sister's brigade of girlies and hold them for ransom? For my own amusement?"

**Speedy, Guido:** KIDNAPP!

**Miss Ratina:** You wouldn't dare …

**BC:** Well of course I would! What program have you been watching?

(Speedy and Guido begin motioning to the girls in the class … )

**Speedy:** Bundle up, girls! Get behind us …(whispering to Guido) … you think it's time we blew our skirts?

**Guido:** (nodding) Yeah, I do. If we don't, things might get ugly – and I'm _not_ talking about the Big Cheese's make-up!

(Before Speedy and Guido can make their move, Bad Bird cries out – )

**BB:** GOGO-BOT! _SEIZE_ THEM!

**GoGo-bot:** (shy, girlish giggle) Tee hee!

**BC:** (elbowing Jerry in the side) Jerry, what's she 'teeheeing' for? You said she was lethal!

**Jerry:** Wait for it …

**Lou:** Say, that school girl's kinda cute! Think I'll go see if she needs a chaperone …

**N:** Suddenly in the blink of an eye, GoGo-bot goes from shy and coy to crazy-angry-terminator! She unleashes her weapon: a ball and chain, and encircles it round her head like a lasso …

**GoGo-bot:** (warcry) YAAAAAAAAAH!

**Lou:** (backing away) Or not …

**Speedy, Guido and all the girls:** (scared) AAAAAAAAAH!

(GoGo-bot's ball and chain encircles round and round Speedy, Guido and the rest; binding them tightly together.)

**Jerry:** (satisfied smirk) _See_, boss?

**BC:** Bravo, GoGo-bot! Brilliant! Now, haul them upstairs to our private dinning quarters. All this evil-doing is making me thirsty for sake …

(GoGo-bot bows her head and does as she's told.)

**Miss Ratina:** (infuriated) You'll _never_ get away with this, Seymour!

**BC:** Oh, you hostages always say the same thing. Can't you come up with anything original? Now go! And you, the band … (the Big Cheese points to the three girls on stage, in front of the dance floor) … no need to stop the music just because of my little kidnapping situation!

(The three girls shrug and strike up the music again. All the un-kidnapped people continue to dance and go on as if no crimes were currently being committed.)

**Lead singer: **(singing) "I'm blue – ue – ue doo be doo be doo be doo!"

**BC:** (admiring the band) Such talented young ladies! Such powerful lyrics! Oh, and Bad Bird? Would you get the sake? There's a good feather duster, chop chop!

**BB:** Yeah, I'd like to CHOP his –

**Jerry:** (pulling Bad Bird away, before he can finish) Come along, feather duster …

**N:** Once Bad Bird and Jerry fetched the drinks, its party time in the Big Cheese's private dining room! Well, party time for everybody but Miss Ratina, Speedy, Guido and the girls. They're all tied up with ropes, forced to sit in a corner while the bad guys drink themselves Irish.

**Guido:** (whispering to Speedy) Got any bright ideas on how to get out of here?

**Speedy:** (whispering back) Not exactly. Though I remember reading something in the script about 'plan B' …

**Guido:** Yeah? What about it?

**Speedy:** I don't know, all I remember is it had something to do with a pink tracksuit.

**Guido:** (sarcastic) A pink tracksuit? Of course! Why didn't_ I_ think of that.

**Speedy:** (irritated) Well I don't see you coming up with anything more innovative!

**N:** Little did Speedy and Guido know, a red-headed warrior in a pink tracksuit was sitting downstairs at the bar at that very moment; drinking a cocktail and scoping out the scene …

**Lou:** (approaching the bar) Well hello there, pretty lady!

**Polly:** (very surprised) Guru Lou! What are you doing here?

**Lou:** Ah, I see you already know who I am! Are you psychic? Are you the 'psychic pretty lady'?

**Polly:** (unimpressed) No wonder you live alone up in the mountains. Lou, listen! Did you see anything shocking happen here tonight? Like a mass kidnapping?

**Lou:** As a matter of fact, I _did_ see a mass kidnapping! How funny you should mention it.

**Polly:** (grabbing him by the collar) Guru Lou, what happened? Did you see where they took the hostages? Were they unharmed? CONCENTRATE!

**Lou:** (slurring drunkenly) Would you like to dance?

**Polly:** _Oh_!

(Annoyed, Polly drops Guru Lou on the floor. He passes out in a drunken stupor.)

**Polly:** I've got to find Speedy and Guido! I hope they're all right. Hey …

**(**Polly spots her 'bait': Jerry Attric, coming down the stairs to use the washroom.)

**Polly:** (cracking her knuckles) Think I'll take a trip to the mens toilets. Never thought I'd hear myself say that!

**N:** Yeah right …

**Polly:** What's that supposed to mean?

**N:** (innocent) Nothing!

(Upstairs …

A waiter who strongly resembles 'Charlie Brown' has entered the Big Cheese's private dinning area.)

**BC:** (pointing stupidly at the waiter) Look everybody, it's Charlie Brown!

(All the ninja crows laugh raucously.)

**BB:** Hey, Charlie Brown! Bring us some pepperoni pizza.

**Waiter****:** (humbly shaking his head) I'm sorry, we don't have pizza …

(All the ninja crows get very angry, clanking their samurai swords.)

**Ninja Crow One:** Pizza!

**Ninja Crow Two:** PIZZAAAA!

**BC:** Why don't you call those … what's-their-name? The Pizza Cats! They deliver.

**BB:** Ah, Big Cheese? Do we really want the Pizza Cats here right now? We haven't even organised the ransom or anything.

**BC:** Bad Bird, they're the Pizza Cats! Not the _Samurai_ Pizza Cats. It's an entirely different concept!

**BB:** Well, actually –

**Polly:** (calling out from downstairs) BIG CHEESE! YOU AND I HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS!

**BC:** Oh great, my tax collector's here! Just what I need.

**BB:** (muttering slyly under his breath) I don't think that's the tax collector …

**Guido:** Speedy, I think that's Polly!

**Speedy:** (calling back) POLLY, SAVE US! WE'RE UP HERE!

(Bad Bird rounds on Speedy with his sword.)

**BB:** Silence, blondie!

**Speedy:** (insulted) _Blondie_?

**BB:** How did you know that's Polly Esther outside?

**Speedy:** Ah … I didn't know! I have terrets and I shout random phrases with no meaning. YEH MOTHER WEARS ARMYBOOTS AND SMELLS LIKE A FOOT! See?

**BB:** (thinking) _"There's something familiar about this chick … I can't quite put my claw on it. Did we go on a date once? "_

**Polly:** (calling out again, more insistent) CHEESE!

(The Ninja Crows open the screen doors to the private dinning room. The Big Cheese walks out onto the balcony, looking down on the dance floor below. The band has stopped playing; everyone is frozen, scared. Polly stands in the middle, holding her sword to Jerry's neck.)

**BC:** (staring at Polly, confused) Hey, who are you? You're not my tax collector!

**BB:** Told ya.

**BC:** And Jerry, you said you were going to the bathroom!

**Jerry:** (blankly) Now I'm being held hostage. Things change.

**Polly:** HI-_YAH_!

(With a quick flash of her sword, Polly slices off one of Jerry's tail feathers. Jerry falls to the floor, twisting and withering in agony.)

**Jerry:** AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

**Polly:** (gazing down on Jerry with disgust) Please, it's a tail feather! It doesn't even hurt, it'll grow right back.

**Jerry:** (ceasing his 'agony' a moment) Yes, but I'm trying to expand my range as an actor.

**Polly:** To what? _Over_-acting?

(Everyone in the restaurant, including the band and the waiter that looks like Charlie Brown, scream in terror and stampede out the exit – everyone that is, except Guru Lou. He's still asleep under the bar.)

**Polly:** I've come for the girls, Big Cheese! Let them go or I'll cut something else off your friend. Something that actually _hurts_ next time!

**BC:** (enraged) Grrrr, I'm the only one who's allowed to take hostages and wear cute outfits around here! GOGO-BOT!

(GoGo-bot comes forward … holding her ball and chain.)

**GoGo-bot:** (waving and smiling at Polly) Hi!

**Polly:** (stepping forward … ) GoGo-bot, right?

**GoGo-bot:** (walking down the stairs … ) Bingo.

**Polly:** GoGo-bot, I know you feel you must protect your mistress. But I beg you, walk away.

**GoGo-bot:** Tee hee! You call that begging? You can beg better then that …

**Polly:** Actually I was just saying that line for the reference. Plus your mistress isn't really a 'mistress', if you know what I mean.

**BC:** (only enraged further) WOULD YOU GIRLS STOP CHATTING AND KILL EACHOTHER ALREADY!

**GoGo-Bot:** Okie dokie!

(GoGo-bot narrows her eyes and starts twirling the ball and chain over her head, each rotation making a loud WHOOSH sound in the air. Polly readies herself, holding her sword firmly.

But then –

WHOOSH … WHOOSH … WHOOSH … GoGo-bot wraps the ball and chain around the blade of Polly's sword. Then, with a mighty yank, she strips Polly of her weapon.)

**Polly:** (exposed) YIKES!

**BC:** (thoroughly entertained) Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Didn't see that one coming did ya Pinky Tuscadero?

(Smiling, GoGo-bot lets the ball and chain fly – aimed directly at Polly. Polly flips out of the way just in time, landing on a table.)  
**  
Polly:** (smirking at GoGo-bot) Missed me!

(In response, GoGo-bot flings the ball and chain and wraps it around one of the wooden table legs, stripping it away and causing Polly to crash-land on her back.)

**Polly:** AAHH!

(The table smashes to pieces.)

**Polly:** (groaning and rubbing her hip bone) I'm going to feel that tomorrow. AGH!

**N:** Dear CATS! Could this be the end of sweet Polly Esther?

**Speedy, Guido:** THE END!

**N: **I was only half-serious!

(Meanwhile, upstairs … )

**Speedy:** (whispering in a panic) Guido, from what the Narrator just said Polly's getting creamed out there! We gotta do something!

**Guido:** (hissing back) I know, I know! Give me a sec, I've almost got it …

**Speedy:** Got what?

(Speedy looks over his shoulder. He sees that Guido has been slowly cutting through his ropes with one of his claws.)

**Speedy:** (impressed) Hey, not bad! Your claws are almost as sharp as Polly's.

**Guido:** Tell me about it! Polly's manicurist did my nails back in wardrobe. These babies could cut through someone's skull ...

**Lucille:** Hoochi mamas!

(Everyone peers at Lucille, eyebrows raised in confusion.)

**N:** She stole my line!

**Lucille:** (sticking her tongue out) I'm just reminding the audience I'm still here!

(Everyone falls down backwards, anime-style. Lucille giggles)

**Speedy:** At least she didn't blow up.

**N:** What are the villains doing you ask, while our heroes make their nimble escape? Being completely ineffective, what else …

(The Big Cheese, Bad Bird and the Ninja Crows are totally engrossed in the fight between Polly and GoGo-bot outside. They're even taking bets.)

**Ninja Crow Three:** Twenty bucks on GoGo-bot!

**Ninja Crow Four:** Thirty!

**BB:** (skeptical) I don't know. Polly's a pretty good fighter, she put me in hospital once.

**BC:** (angry) Bad Bird you brickhead! Play for the winning team, whose side do you think you're on?

**BB:** I'm just saying she's a good fighter!

**BC:** BAH! If you love her so much why don't you just _marry_ her!

**N:** (sounding irrelevantly dramatic) A samurai cat and a ninja crow. One on the side of good, the other the side of evil. Could two such different species learn to see eye to eye? Would they find love? Do fur and feathers really go together? How ugly would their children be?

**BB:** (really peeved) SHUT UP!

**N:** Couldn't help myself.

(After some jumping around, GoGo-bot's ball and chain pelts Polly square in the chest.)

**N:** _Oooo_! Dats gotta hurt.

**BC:** (triumphant) STRIKE!

**Polly:** (on her back again, spluttering) Think Polly, _think_!

(GoGo-bot paces towards Polly, thinking she's won. But then Polly reaches for a discarded piece of wood with a nail poking out, and slams it deep into GoGo-bot's foot.)

**GoGo-bot:** (shrieking in pain) AAHH!

(Then, with the piece of wood still in hand, Polly flips up … )

**Polly:** This is for my SWORD!

( … and rams it into GoGo-bot's head. GoGo-bot goes haywire.)

**BC:** (distraught) No no NO! No fair! She had a three-year warranty! Oh well, guess I'll melt her down to scrap metal and add her uniform to my fancy dress collection.

**N:** Every cloud has a silver lining.

(Polly retrieves her sword and goes over to stand beneath the Big Cheese.)

**Polly:** (looking up) So Big Cheese. Any more subordinates for me to kill?

**BC:** Plenty. NINJA CROWS!

(The ten armed Ninja Crows leap down from the balcony, encircling Polly. Polly stands her ground.)

**Polly:** (untroubled) Gee, Ninja Crows. You guys are a dime a dozen! Plus you're all really drunk.

**Ninja Crow Five:** (swaying on the spot) Not we're _no_!

**N:** But then, Polly heard sound of multiple engines coming from outside. Then the sound of many hurried footsteps … then …

(88 Ninja Crows stream in through the front doors and windows, breaking the glass. They run towards Polly, drawing their swords. Polly now stands in the middle of a seemingly impenetrable fortress of Ninja Crow warriors.)

**N:** Wow. They've been breeding like bacteria!

**Polly:** (eyes looking from side to side, trying to keep her cool) Golly, all these guests just for me? And it's not even my birthday …

**BC:** Silly kitty. You didn't think I was going to make that easy, did you? Let's see you claw your way out of this one!

**Polly:** (gulping) I could really use some back-up right about now! _Hint hint_!

**N:** They're working on it!

**Guido:** Eureka!

(Guido is free of his ropes. He starts untying Speedy and the others.)

**Prudence:** Hey, Gigi's free!

**Saskia:** Hey, we still have speaking parts in this thing!

**Clover:** Neat!

(Speedy, once untied, goes to untie Miss Ratina while Guido spies on the action outside – very quietly, so that the Big Cheese and Bad Bird don't turn around.)

**Miss Ratina:** Hurry Daisy, untie me! I need to have a word with my brother …

**Speedy:** He doesn't need a word, he needs a punch in the nose!

**Miss Ratina:** That's what I meant.

**Guido:** _Crap_!

**Speedy:** (turning to Guido) What's the matter?

**Guido:** There's almost a hundred Ninja Crow extras outside, and Polly's fighting them all on her own!

**Speedy:** CRAP! We need more men!

**Guido:** Or women …

(Speedy and Guido look to Miss Ratina and the girls.)

**Faye:** Why are you staring at us like that?

**May:** Yeah, and why did your voices suddenly go all deep and masculine?

**Guido:** That's because we are masculine. Well … (gesturing to Speedy) … he is most of the time.

**Speedy:** (hissing) _Watch it_, Bucko!

**Guido:** We're not Gianna Brown and Daisy MacGyver. We're Guido Anchovy and Speedy Cerviche. We're Samurai Pizza Cats, working undercover.

(Everyone gasps, appalled – especially Lucille.)

**Lucille:** (cupping her face) Speedy and Guido! All this time?

**Speedy:** We know this is a shock for everyone, but can we talk about it later? Right now we need your help! Our friend is out there fighting by herself and she needs backup!

**Honey:** You want us to fight?

**Tinka:** _Actual_ fighting?

**Bobbi:** But we're only beginners!

**Guido:** The best way to learn is to do, right? C'mon! You girls have been kicking ass these past five days. We're professionals and we say you're up for this!

**Miss Ratina:** (going to stand next to Speedy and Guido) I'm in. Ladies? What do you say?

**BB:** (standing in the doorway) HEY! THE HOSTAGES HAVE ESCAPED!

**N:** Well! Look who's no longer ineffective. Bit late, isn't it?

**BB:** Nobody move or I'll – CAW!

(Speedy punches Bad Bird in the face.)

**Speedy:** What's da matter, Bad Bird! Don't you recognise me?

(Speedy rips his wig off.)

**BB:** Ce … _Cerviche_? AGH!

(Another punch in the head.)

**BC:** What in the name of sesame seed buns is going on over here – WAHA!

(Miss Ratina punches her brother in the nose – as anticipated. Meanwhile, Guido rallies the girls together and sends them out onto the battlefield.)

**Guido:** If you see any injured Ninja Crows lying on the ground, just step on their face and take their sword. Now GO!

(The girls charge into the fight. Polly, battling ten Ninja Crows at once, looks up to the balcony and smiles.)

**Polly:** Guido!

**Guido:** (waving) Hiya Poll'! Keeping busy?

**Polly:** You could say that.

(Just then, Speedy and Bad Bird topple from the balcony above; wrestling one another. They land close to where Polly is.)

**Polly:** _Speedy_!

**Speedy:** (who has Bad Bird in a tight headlock) Hey Polly! What's happening?

**Polly:** Nothing much. YAH!

(Polly slashes three Ninja Crows to the ground.

Meanwhile … )

**Lucille:** (facing an oncoming attacker) Channel your energy, Lucille. Channel your energy … _channel your energy_!

**Ninja Crow:** (charging) YAAAAAAAAH!

**Lucille:** YAAAAAAAAAH!

(Lucille kicks him in the head, knocking him out flat.)

**Lucille:** (clapping and jumping up and down) Hooray, I killed somebody! I'm contributing!

**N:** As opposed to all those times she exploded a hole in the earth.

**Faye:** (successfully dragon-kicking a Ninja Crow to the ground) A girl could get use to this!

**Clover****:** (in the middle of a sword-fight) This is even more fun then my weekly Oprah book club!

**Saskia:** (also in the middle of a sword-fight) I'm SO taking Miss Ratina's intermediate class!

(Close by …

Speedy flips away from Bad Bird; high up in the air, landing on the wooden railing of the balcony overhead.)

**BB:** (yelling up towards Speedy) So Cerviche, why are you and Anchovy dressed like women anyway? You guys gonna form a new nightclub act with the Big Cheese?

**Speedy:** Only if you come along too, birdseed-breath … (reaching into his shirt) … take THAT!

(Speedy throws one of his fake boob balloons at Bad Bird, which bursts right in his face.)

**BB:** (wiping buttermilk from his eyes, incensed) YOU'RE DISGUSTING, CERVICHE!

**Speedy:** Not done yet.

(Speedy throws the other one. Bad Bird gets splattered in the face – again. Buttermilk also sprays on some of the near by Ninja Crows.)

**Speedy:** (taunting) KISS MY FAKE HOO-HA, BAD BIRD!

**Ninja Crow Six:** (standing next to Bad Bird, licking his fingers) Hmm, this tastes pretty good!

**Ninja Crow Seven:** Yeah, creamy!

**BB: **IDIOTS!

**N:** And then, with buttermilk in his eyes and up his nostrils, Bad Bird looked around and surveyed the scene: it wasn't good. Ninja Crows were crashing down like the stock market, while his boss was pinned to the floor by his sister, receiving a chinese burn.

**Miss Ratina:** (twisting the Big Cheese's arm) Just like kindergarten, remember Seymour?

**BC:** (eyes watering and legs kicking in anguish) NO SELMA! STOP STOP STOP! WAAAAAAAAH!

**N:** Thus, Bad Bird had no choice but to –

**BB:** (shouting out) _RETREAT_!

(At the sound of Bad Bird's voice, the Ninja Crows scatter and retreat.)

**Guido:** (disappointed) Aw, but the party was just getting started!

(Miss Ratina let's her brother go.)

**Miss Ratina:** I'm warning you, Seymour: if you interfere with my business or hurt ANY of my students again, I'll give you a chinese burn all over your miserable body!

**BC: **(rubbing his wounded arm) You're off my Christmas card list, Selma!

(As the Big Cheese escapes, he picks up Jerry Attric along the way.)

**BC:** JERRY!

**Jerry:** (standing up off the floor) What? Is it over?

**BC:** Yes, it's over and we lost! Why were you just lying around on the ground like that? We could've used your help!

**Jerry:** I was being ineffective like the Narrator said.

(The villains abandon the House of Blue Shrubs, driving off into the night. In the mean time, Speedy, Polly, Guido, Miss Ratina and the girls regroup.)

**Honey:** That was so thrilling! I think I might've broken somebody's leg!

**Bobbi:** I almost took out somebody's eye!

**Prudence:** I _did_ take out somebody's eye!

**Guido:** (nudging Speedy slyly) Now that the girls know I'm, in actual fact, Guido Anchovy the superhero and not Gianna Brown, they'll be lining up to date me! Just watch …

**Speedy:** (dimly) I'm watching.

(Guido stands waiting – waiting for the girls to rush towards him … only they rush right past him, crowding Polly instead.)

**May: **(excited) Polly Esther, it's really you! I'm your biggest fan!

**Tinka: **No _I'm_ your biggest fan!

**Clover:** You're an inspiration to women everywhere!

**Polly:** (flattered) Oh, why thank you! That's so sweet.

**Speedy: **(chuckling at Guido) Smooth moves, 'Gianna'.

**Guido:** (crestfallen) What am I, chopped liver?

**Miss Ratina:** (approaching Speedy and Guido) So, ladies … or should I say, 'gentlemen'?

(Both Speedy and Guido chuckle nervously.)

**Speedy**: Yeah … sorry about lying to you, Miss Ratina.

**Guido:** Yeah, sorry.

**Miss Ratina:** It's all right. You two helped inspire enthusiasm and confidence into the class, in a way I've never seen before. Especially you, 'Gigi' … (moving closer to Guido) … in four days you had all my girls doing dragon kicks! I never would've imagined anyone could do that.

(Nervous, Guido steps back slightly, feeling Miss Ratina was too close for comfort.)

**Guido:** It was nothing, Miss Ratina! But I'm not Gigi, I'm Guido. Guido the _boy_.

**Miss Ratina:** (winking at him) I like boys, too.

**Guido:** (quickly crouching behind Speedy, afraid) I wanna go home!

**Speedy:** Ha ha! And I thought you wouldn't leave this thing without a date.

**Lucille:** (distraught) SPEEDY!

(Speedy and Guido turn around to Lucille.)

**Speedy:** Eh … what's wrong, Lucille?

**Lucille:** You … (hatch flipping up) … you saw me in my NIGHTIE!

**Speedy:** (grabbing Guido) _Now_ she blows up!

**Guido:** Figures!

**Everyone but Lucille:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

KAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOM!

(Everyone goes outside, coughing and spluttering.)

**Polly:** (standing with Speedy and Guido) Well, I guess it's not over until Lucille explodes.

**N:** Or the Big Cheese for that matter.

(Some place not too far away, in the backseat of a limo … )

**Jerry:** (speaking in a soothing voice) Now Cheesy, remember what your doctor said. Refined food and spontaneous combustion is making you age!

**BB:** Channel your energy!

**BC:** (turning red) I … hate … EVERYTHIIIIIIIING!

KAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOM!

(Back to the cats … )

**Polly:** What's the matter with you two? You guys seem sorta glum …

**Speedy:** (sighing sadly) I was just thinking how we won't be able to complete the last two days of Miss Ratina's course. We were going to try and sneak in one more slumber party before it was over …

**Guido:** Yeah, and Tinka and Bobbi invited me to the mall next week.

**Speedy:** Clover asked me to join her book club. I love Oprah … do you still think she'd want me to go?

**Polly:** (truly touched) Aw, isn't that the cutest thing! You guys made friends.

(Suddenly, coming out of no where … )

**Bat Cat:** Hey guys! How's it hanging?

**Polly:** (in shock) Bat Cat? Spritz?

**Spritz:** Hey! Thought you guys might need a hand … only it looks like you've taken care of it.

**Bat Cat:** Our bad! We got held up helping Francine and Meowsma get General Catton out of the Cat-apult.

**Polly:** Oh! Is he out?

**Spritz:** Yep. And he's starting a protein-shake diet tomorrow!

**Speedy, Guido:** (enraged) DEATH TO SPRITZ!

**Polly:** What the …

**Bat Cat, Spritz:** Huh?

**Speedy:** (walking up to Spritz and pointing his finger into his chest) YOU made Lucille like you more then us!

**Spritz:** (totally confused) I … Lucille? Speedy, what are you talking about?

**Guido:** How did you do it, Spritz? A little sweet talking, some flowers, poetry, subliminal messages … what!

**Spritz:** Well … I've been visiting her house a lot lately. To clean her pipes.

**Speedy, Guido:** (enraged – again) You WHAT!

**Spr****itz:** I'm a part-time plumber! AH!

(Speedy and Guido chase after Spritz, off into the horizon.)

**N:** And so ends today's episode of Samurai Pizza Cat fluff! The moral of the story is: fake boobs are best made out of some kind of dairy product or pudding! No wait ... the moral is, a cat and a crow should never hook up! No wait ... the moral is don't let some other guy clean your girlfriend's pipes! That'll do.

**Lou:** (waking up in the empty restaurant, beneath the bar) Where'd that blonde go?

**THE END**


End file.
